The time you celebrate a human being erupting through your body and tearing you a new one. The surgical team had to get an architect and a structural engineer in to rebuild your entire downstairs, but yeah sure. Let’s celebrate the child. This is definitely their achievement.
When you were a fidgety small human, a birthday party was all fairy bread, tiny hot dogs and a garden hose. There was pass the parcel and pin the whatever on the whatever. It was simple, your mum planned it 2 days before, and everyone went home with their spirits and their glucose levels overflowing.
If the caterer doesn’t use naturally aged stilton cheese on the cucumber finger sandwiches, there’ll be hell to pay. I mean, do you even LOVE your child if the theme isn’t ‘rustic minimalism’?
Yeah. You do.
Here’s our checklist to throw the most ‘nek level’ kid’s party.
- Have enough activities. Have too many. Have so many that it’s like a babushka doll of activities. Bored kids are the ones who go poking around your room and come out swinging your tampons around. This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just had enough water beads.
- Don’t invite people your kid doesn’t really care for. Whoever said you have to invite the whole class needs to lay off the Clag paste. Chances are, if they’re not your daughter’s brand, their mum isn’t yours. You don’t need anyone there judging your cake because it sort of looks like a decapitated hippo.
- Don’t be afraid to give gift ideas if you’re asked. The Twinkle Sprinkle Brush set paired with the Nixie or Nisha box sets are going to help present time run smoothly. Nobody needs to see your child’s face when they unwrap a new sink strainer and pair of sensible socks.
Set a time frame on the invitation. In bold. Neon even. Maybe add batteries and an envelope that sings ‘Get out, right now’ by JoJo. Some people can tell when the party’s over. Others need you to do an interpretive dance.
Keep your pets out of the way. For some reason, not everyone is thrilled to see Jason, your tarantula, hanging around the food table.