A few years ago, I went to the dentist. After the receptionist had checked me in, she said ‘go and take a seat in the waiting room’, to which I replied “yeah, you too”.
I wish that were the most awkward social encounter of my life, but unfortunately my daily doings are somewhat of a slapstick.
In my opinion, antenatal classes should be less about partners trying to pinch their lady with the forceps, and more about the fact that becoming a mum is going to throw you into a high school type social conundrum all over again.
That’s fine if you’re someone who can control their giggles when they hear that little Maximilian’s name is spelt with a silent ‘P’, or that Isla wasn’t allowed to attend Stephanie’s birthday party because Steph’s mum doesn’t buy ‘organic’.
But what if you just can’t keep that poker face and have no idea how to make these things called ‘mum’ friends?
You force yourself to go to play groups, and wonder if parents are allowed any of the orange slices. I mean, Keyston and Talulah aren’t touching them because there’s too many GMOs, but you don’t want to straight out ask.
What’s a girl to do in that situation?
What about birthday parties? You don’t even know this kid, your daughter doesn’t really either, but they’re in the same class. Congratulations, now you have to buy a present for a stranger, and your husband keeps telling you that piccolo wine bottles don’t count as dollhouse furniture.
You could get a BFF box and be guaranteed that at least your child would get a friend out of it.
The worst part is that now you have to go and buy some pants that don’t have an elastic waist, otherwise people will ask you when your non-existent baby is due. Again.
Sometimes it seems like an awful lot of work; painting a smile on your face at school pick up, when all you want to do is go back to the car and undo your pants, and you forgot your shoes again! #damnit
But finally, something amazing starts to happen.
You find your tribe.
You find crumbs in your bra at the end of the day and so do they.
Your offspring loudly asks why ‘THAT LADY HAS A MOUSTACHE’ and they burst out laughing.
You message them at the end of a really tough week, with shaking hands and very wet eyes, and know that they’re right there with you.
So go on, ask about the orange slices.
It could be vitamin C for your soul.